ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 49

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 49:   The Epilog

Alex and Myrtle, after they had quit the company, bought a piece of property at the junction of the Chateauguay and Marble Rivers. The remainder of their lives was spent fishing for browns and brookies in Franklin County.

The fish was saved (from flopping around on the floor next to Pfeffer’s desk) by placing him in a huge water bottle. He can be seen there to this day; still procrastinating. His powers of obfuscation have been lost due to the clarity of his environment.

Henry is working in a shoe factory as a polisher. In the evenings and on weekends he continues this task at a local apple orchard.

Brad had a job (that he dearly loved) cleaning the mirrors in a local fitness gym. He became so absorbed with his own image that he could not distinguish between his real self and his reflection. The absorption became so great that he eventually became one with the mirror; never to be seen again.

Lola and Pfeffer ended up robbing liquor stores. They are now incarcerated in a women’s prison in upstate New York. Conjugal visits are neither allowed, nor necessary.

The beaver and the moose were last seen crossing the New York-Canadian border.

The Irishman returned to the glorious green hills of Killarney.

I have no idea what became of the caterwauler.

The alchemist is employed forging scimitars somewhere in the Arabian Peninsula.

The rabbit path (being a dream) can not be elaborated upon other saying that it reoccurs from time to time.

 

 

 

Oh yes, the frog. Apparently he was not dead but simply entered a state of hibernation.

 

 

He awoke, moved to the Bronx and worked in a Castle Hill Avenue bodega as a stock boy.

 

On weekends he saved souls in the Tremont Avenue Pentecostal Church.

 

 On moonless nights he became “Comandante Sapo Concho” (complete with gold lame^` cape) and fought crime throughout Parkchester.

 

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 48

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 48:   Part 7 of “Alex’s Relevance”

“How about you Henry?

What do you know

about this

shredding?”

queried

Pfeffer.

 

“Oh, dear me” stated Henry.

“I don’t get involved in

that sort of thing,

you know.”

Henry continued;

 

“My main focus is on ordering flowers

for the sick and bereaved,

doing interviews,

signing papers

and such

as that.”

 

Pfeffer jumped up from its chair in a fit of anger

at the incompetence of all the newly appointed.

In doing so its knees caught the edge

of the desk tipping it enough

so that the fish bowl

slid off and crashed

to pieces on the

floor.

 

As Brad and Henry scampered in search for

some way to save the fish, Lola lovingly

took Pfeffer by the arm and walked

out the door.

 

Surprisingly, Pfeffer went

without a peep

of resistance.

 

Pfeffer had placed its hand on Lola’s tush.

 

Alex was very pleased to see the focus of the meeting

shift from him to some obscure shredding party.

He immediately went to Myrtle’s office

and related what had happened

at the meeting.

 

Myrtle verified that he had been booted

out of the CFO position

just that morning.

 

They both quit the company.

(Don’t be so quick to close the book. There is at least one more episode, thank you very much.)

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 47

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 47:   Part 6 of “Alex’s Relevance”

“I don’t need any more of this idiocy”

stated Pfeffer, quickly adding,

“I want to hear nothing more

from finance or legal.

Is that clear?”

 

It must have been clear because the fish

and Brad both remained in their chairs

(or bowls)

with downcast eyes.

 

Of course Brad trembled more than the fish.

 

Pfeffer demanded that Lola explain

“what this shredding was all about?”

 

Still not sure

(or discriminating about Pfeffers gender)

Lola batted those

big long eyelashes at it.

She rose from her chair,

adjusted her overly tight garters,

and sauntered over to Pfeffer’s desk.

 

“Well dear,” Lola purred,

“I really have nothing to say

about the shredding. I just happened

to be walking past Brad’s office late one evening

when I noticed his lights were still on. My intention

was to turn them off because I thought that they

were accidentally left on. Well – – – Brad

was busy in the office; doing what,

we never know. We talked for

a few minutes and spent

some time together;

doing what I’ll

surely never

remember.

And that

is all I

can

say.”

 

“All you can say? All you can remember?

Or all you care to divulge?”

asked Pfeffer.

 

“All the above” answered Lola.

She was batting her

false eyelashes

so hard that

one of them

flew off and

landed in

the fish

bowl.

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 46

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 46:   Part5 of “Alex’s Relevance”

Pfeffer continued by questioning Brad

about the Handastania

software contract.

 

“Did Alex consult your financial organization

before signing the

Handastanian

contract?”

Deeply involved in his own self love

Brad was caught quite off guard.

He simply stared at Pfeffer until

his brain kicked back in.

He then said “Why yes

– – – – – I mean no

– – – – – do you mean

in the last week?

Uh – – why – –

probably

not.

 

What do you consider the definition of ‘consulting’?

He may have phoned us. I can check the phone log.

On the other hand we may have destroyed the log

when we shredded all the other records.”

 

“Shredded what records?” demanded Pfeffer.

 

“Well – – – – the ones that the fish-lawyer

told us to shred” he replied while

trying to share the blame

about something that

Pfeffer apparently

considered

a mistake.

 

Once again the fish interrupted with:

 

“Delay, make chad, Delay, make chad,

That is what we demanded of Brad,

He shredded all night, to hide and conspire,

And then his shredder burst into fire.

 

Burn and shred, Burn and shred,

That is the only advice that was said,

If anyone attempted to obfuscate,

It was not I, corporate lawyer of late.

 

Kiss and burn, kiss and burn,

Every so often it was Lola’s turn,

To join in destruction of documental,

Information, feloniously monumental.”

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 45

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 45:   Part4 of “Alex’s Relevance”

After the fish was silent, for a minute or so, Henry

(the new head of Human Resources which I had just informed you about two days ago)

asked Alex if he had consulted Human

Resources about dealing with

a foreign sub-contractor.

Alex answered sarcastically

“No. What valued advice

could you have possibly

given me regarding

a sub-contractor?”

 

Henry’s face turned a bright red as he realized

that there was absolutely no advice that he

could have offered to Alex.

After stammering and

hurrummphing for

a few seconds

Henry finally

said

 

“Well, it is a good thing you didn’t ask me

for advice or I would have had

to fire you.”

 

With that, Henry smiled, convinced that

he had won the argument and

leaned back in a self-satisfied

manner.

 

Brad was too busy to pay much attention

to what was being said. He had seen

his reflection on a window pane

and was flexing his biceps

for himself

to admire.

 

When he wasn’t admiring his biceps

he moved on to flexing his abs

and rubbing his hand over

his own stomach in full

satisfaction with

himself.

 

Pfeffer interrupted Brad’s narcissism

with a question.

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 44

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 44:   Part 3 of “Alex’s Relevance”

 

 

Alex stood in front of Pfeffer answering questions

about a contract with a software company

in Handastania.

He spoke;

 

“They are the only software company

in the world that is proficient

at writing apps in object

oriented Handastaneise

C⁺⁺⁺⁺  Visual

Plus.”

 

“Is it also true that you did not consult

the corporate lawyer before signing

the contract?”

demanded

Pfeffer.

 

Alex looked at the fish, smiled and

shrugged his shoulders.

He said nothing

because nothing

logical could

be said.

 

“I’m a professional and you

avoided my advice”

whined the

fish.

 

“I never asked for your advice,

and, in retrospect,

I therefore did not

avoid it” said Alex

calmly.

 

“It’s the same thing – avoided – never asked.

What difference does it make?” retorted

the fish-lawyer. And then

without provocation the

fish continued:

 

“Obfuscate – delay, obfuscate – delay,

This is surely the only way,

That we can professionally work,

We smile in front, behind we smirk.

 

Obfuscate – delay, obfuscate – delay,

This is the process making up my day,

When you are confused and don’t understand,

I am pleased as punch and give you my hand.

 

Obfuscate – delay, obfuscate – delay,

That is how, I gather my pay,

Build up high, those billable hours,

Possibly earn a judge-ship, unalienable powers.”

 

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 43

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 42:   Part 2 of “Alex’s Relevance”

 

Alex was the first person

(or fish)

in the room to break

the silence.

 

“Where is the CFO? I don’t see Myrtle here.” he said.

“There have been some changes”

Pfeffer replied to

Alex’s concern.

 

“Myrtle is no longer CFO. I have

replaced him with Brad.”

 

“Henry has replaced me

as head of

Human Resources.”

“AND – – –

Lola is now VP of Purchasing.”

Alex immediately realized that he had a very

questionable future within the company.

He inadvertently let out an

audible moan and twitched

in his chair.

 

“Where is the corporate lawyer

that you said would be here?”

he quickly asked.

 

The fish glared at Alex.

His fins were on

his hips and he

was bubbling

vociferously.

 

Pfeffer spoke up. “The fish is our corporate lawyer.

Now let us get on with the business at hand.

Lola has informed me that you, Alex,

signed a contract with a

subcontractor from

Handastania

Minor.

Is this

true?”

 

Alex told her it was true. “Yes I did.

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 42

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 42:   Part 1 of “Alex’s Relevance”

 

“‘What do you know about this business?’ said the King to Alice.

‘Nothing’ said Alice.

‘Nothing whatever?’ persisted the King.

‘Nothing whatever’ said Alice.

‘That’s very important’ the King said, turning to the jury.”

L. Carroll     “Alice’s Evidence”

 

 

 

Alex had arrived at the lab with little relevance.

After several years his relevance

remained negligible.

He had learned

a lot and put it

all into

practice.

 

(That was sufficient in his eyes.)

 

Regardless of his lack of fame,

Alex found himself in the

CEO’s office.

 

Pfeffer, once it had accidentally

outed itself as CEO,

had called this

meeting.

 

Alex was the first one to enter the office.

Pfeffer was sitting behind

a simple birch desk.

It/she told Alex that

there would be

three more

people

attending;

 

the CFO, the head of Human Resources

and the VP of purchasing.

She then added, as an

afterthought, that the

corporate lawyer

would also be

attending.

 

Alex remarked “Quite an all-star cast.

What am I doing here?”

We will determine that

as the meeting

progresses”

responded

Pfeffer.

 

Alex waited patiently as Pfeffer silently

read some documents that were

on its desk.

 

Only a minute or two had elapsed

before wing-tipped Henry,

ponytailed Brad and

luscious Lola

walked in

and took

their

seats.

 

Brad did not take his seat immediately.

He had his pal, the fish, with him

and he carefully placed

the bowl on Pfeffer’s

desk before sitting.

 

“We are all here” stated Pfeffer

“so let’s not waste

more time.”

 

“We have not wasted ANY time”

retorted Henry as he removed

an unnoticeable piece of lint

from his blue serge suit.

“We just arrived.”

 

Pfeffer stared at Henry with its

beady black eyes but

 it said nothing.

 

Henry soon realized that he had

violated one of the unspoken

(and surely unwritten)

protocols of the

corporate

world;

 

“The CEO is always right, by definition.”

The other people in the room

wisely chose to remain

silent.

 

 

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 41

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 41:   Part 3 of “Who Ate the Danish?”

 

 

 

 

 

Everything became very quiet at this meeting with no purpose.

Alex sat at the table with his head in his hands.

The beaver went back to gnawing

on the chair leg.

 

Brad grabbed a sugar doughnut and threw it

forcefully into the fish bowl.

Myrtle was diligently

doodling nothing and

Henry was busy

adjusting the

knot on his

power

tie.

 

The moose smiled knowingly at the queen.

The queen didn’t seem to notice

because he was trying to pull his

Lycra hip-huggers up to

a position just below

the navel.

 

It was a useless struggle due to

the rolls of fat he had

to deal with.

 

Pfeffer finally arrived at the meeting

and seeing the chaos stated

“In conclusion

I make a

motion.”

 

Henry followed without waiting

for the motion to be defined.

“I second it” he officiously

stated.

 

The fish stuck his sugar coated soggy face

out of the bowl and stated

in a confident voice

“Meeting adjourned.”

 

Everyone departed agreeing that it had been

one of the best and most productive meetings

that had occurred in a long time.

Well – – – – almost everyone.

Alex and Myrtle

walked away

scratching

their

heads.

 

 

 

 

ALEX IN BLUNDERLAND: Episode 40

Tags

alchemist, beaver, bluegrass, Brad, caterwauler, drink me, eat me, fish, Fred, frog, Henry, Irishman, Joyce, Lewis Carroll, Lola, moose, Myrtle, Orwell, Pfeffer, Prima, Rand, Secunda, Tertia

Episode 40:   Part 2 of “Who Ate the Danish?”

 

 

Apparently the discussion about “Danish or Doughnuts” was over.

The moose felt that he, also, had to be heard.

Something had been rattling around

in his head; however, he could not

form it into concise thoughts.

Finally he bellowed out

“We need to form a group,

a secret society. We need

to do this for our own

protection.

 

If we say it is a ‘service organization’ maybe

we can even enhance our power.

We will need secret signals,

phrases and handshakes.”

 

Brad looked at the moose and asked

“What is that on your antlers?”

 

Only Brad had noticed the two pieces of clothing

stretched across the wide beams of the moose.

Once it had been called to their attention

everyone sat staring at the clothing.

There was a yellow tutu with an

attached T-top. It was bedecked

with chartreuse sequins.

The other piece was a

full length gown,

red in color and

black sequins

were sewn in

strategic

areas.

 

“Oh my” said the moose as he,

apparently embarrassed,

quickly reached up to

remove the two pieces

of clothing.

 

 

He was about to hide them behind him

when the Coquettish Round Queen

walked in the door.

“Oh there they are”

he said reaching for

the clothes.

 

“I hung them there last night to dry”

he lamely added.

 

Everyone was looking at the queen

and then shifted their gaze

to the moose.

 

“What?” asked the moose

(to everyone and no one)

as if he did not understand

what they were

thinking.

 

“I have never been so humiliated in my life”

screamed Lola. “I thought we had

a commitment” she said to the

queen as she stomped

out of the room.