Ants, centapedes, Clothes Dryer, Dishwashers, Dog Urine, Dust, Honey Do List, leaf blower, Mice, Mice traps, Naughty Channel on Cable, Patricide, shirts, Socks, Southern Comfort Manhattans, Spiders, Vacuum Cleaner Bags, wriggly things
Questions that I ask (and answer for) myself since I have become a housewife.
by Waldo Tomosky on Monday, August 15, 2011 at 11:36am
Why am I always short one sock, and one sock only, when I take clothes out of the dryer?
Why does the sponge in the sink smell worse than my socks?
Who turned off the dishwasher before it had completed its job?
Why did I unload said dishwasher and put away dirty dishes?
Which ones were the dirty ones and which ones were clean?
Should I resolve never to rinse the dishes before I put them in the dishwasher so that I know which ones are the dirty ones?
Is there a reason why towels should be folded before putting them in the linen closet?
If I can’t see where the dog peed then nobody else is going to either.
What is that ungodly smell in the living room?
How the hell do you wash sneakers without them coming out looking like giant marshmallows?
Is it really wrong to have a Manhattan at 2 PM in the afternoon?
And then another at 4 PM?
Would “Two and a Half Men” be as funny if I was a woman in a woman’s body?
Why didn’t someone tell me there is supposed to be a bag in the vacuum cleaner?
And then another at 8 PM?
Tidy bowl does not work well on salad bowls. Who came up with that product?
You’re supposed to clean the curtains? Why, then, do the windows open?
Why do the ladies in the neighborhood point at me, giggle, and then look away when I wave to them?
How do you keep wall hanging floral wreaths clean? I’ve already destroyed two in the washing machine.
Why are there little smelly bars of soap in every drawer and linen shelf that I look into?
Who invented those little black box mouse traps? You can’t see the blood running out of the little bastard’s ears when you catch them.
I like the spring loaded wood and wire traps that SNAP when they work. Sometimes you can even hear a little squeak immediately after the SNAP. (I know that the last statement was not a question. I just had to tell you what gives me a tingle.)
Who is the SOB that keeps on putting those wriggly little mosquito larvae in my outside water fountain?
Why can’t I simply open the windows and use my leaf blower to dust the house?
Who put the unknown code on the cable to lock out the naughty channels?
And another at 10PM?
What happened to my new shirt? I put Clorox, Oxy-clean, Ammonia and Super Soap in the washing machine and the shirt still came out with holes in it.
Just because I know how to use a hammer, screw driver and saw doesn’t mean I have to fix everything – – – – – does it?
Which brings me to a very philosophical question: Why should I be forced to compile my own “Honey Do” list? That just is not right on several levels.
Can I cross off things on the “Honey Do” list even if they are only 70% complete? Take the lawn for example. I mowed 70% of it last week. I really really plan to do the other 30% sometime soon.
Where are all these spiders coming from?
And those little things with all those legs?
Vermin-cide? What is that? I have heard of Patricide (even been promised a can of it) but never vermin-cide.
Why does this dog want to go outside all the time?
Why isn’t there a book on all this stuff?
When I talk to myself this afternoon (after the 2 Manhattans) should I wish myself a “Happy Fathers Day?”
© Copyright – Waldo Tomosky